How Much Should You Really Tell Your Friends?

How Much Should You Really Tell Your Friends?

You could tell them things like:

You went to a party or family thing had loads of fun and got drunk.
That you are now single and ready to have fun.
That you won an eating contest between you and your friends.

But you wouldn't really want to tell them that:

After the party you vomited for ages and felt ill all day.
That your boyfriend or girlfriend dumped you and your heartbroken.
You went home and did a technicolour yawn all over your room when you couldn't make it to the bathroom in time.

Somethings, really don't need to be told.
Like say, what you did with your boyfriend/girlfriend on the weekend
What colour underwear your wearing
or
What you ate for lunch yesterday

These are just unnecessary, boring and gross.

Some things they just don't need to know and some.... you just shouldn't tell others, even your closest friends. Not just shouldn't, but things you just don't feel comfortable to say or do.
But keeping things locked up isn't the best either. Though pick carefully.

Old

Signs of Menopause:

1. You sell your home heating at a yard sale.
2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids names on them.
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.

Old Is When:

1.Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go with them.
3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.
4. Getting lucky means finding your car in the parking lot.
5. An all nighter means not getting up to pee

Thoughts for the Weekend:

Wouldn't it be nice if we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start over.

Just remember, that if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labour!

Brain cells come, and Brain cells go, But fat cells live forever!

A Good Friend Is Like A Good Bra. Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable,
And Always Close To Your Heart!

Games For When We Are Older

1. Sag, You're It
2. Hide and Go Pee
3. 20 Questions shouted into your good ear
4. Kick the Bucket
5. Rover, Red Rover the Nurse says bend over
6. Musical Recliners
7. Simon says something incoherent
8. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy

Ponderisms

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until,
I found out that most people die of natural causes.

Garden Rule:
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed
not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out easily it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously.
Nobody gets out alive anyway.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days
no one talks about UFO's like they used to?

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a forrest fire,
but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?'

Who was the first person to say, 'See that Chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.'

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

Why doesn't the glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

They Walk Among Us.....

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( o o )
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They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail:
I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I Gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave the money back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor.She became indignant and informed me she was Educated and knew what she was doing, and returned the money again. I gave her the Money back .same scenario! I departed the store with the $46.64.

They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail:
I walked into a Starbucks with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a Grande Latte. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalk board that said "buy one-get one free." "They're already buy-one-get-one-free," she said, "so I guess they're both free."She Handed me my free Lattes and I walked out the door.

They Walk Among Us!
One day I was walking down the beach with some Friends when one of them shouted,
"Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and said, "Where?"

They Walk Among Us!
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real Estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh I don't keep up with all that stuff."

They Walk Among Us!!
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."

They Walk Among Us!
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.

They Walk Among Us!
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.

They Walk Among Us!
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, has your plane arrived yet?"

They Walk Among Us!
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man Ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked Him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."

They Walk Among Us, and they Reproduce!!

Your Laugh For The Day

Sorry if this causes any offence, it is a little...dirty.

CHINESE PROVERBS
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Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
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Man who run in front of car get tyred.
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Man who run behind car get exhausted.
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Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
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Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
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Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
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Man with one chopstick go hungry.
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Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
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Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
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Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
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Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.
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War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
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Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
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Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
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It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
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Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
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Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
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Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
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Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
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Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
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Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
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Captain Aussie

Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower
after their bomb making class in Melbourne, when one notices
the other has a huge cork stuck in his arse.
If you do not mind me saying,' stated the second, 'that cork
looks very uncomfortable. Why don't you take it out?'

I regret I cannot', lamented the first Arab. 'It is permanently
stuck in my arse.

'I do not understand,' said the other.

The first Arab says, 'I was walking along Russell Street and I
tripped over an oil lamp.
There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an
Australian Flag attire with a white beard and Akubra hat
came boiling out. He said, 'I am Captain Aussie, the Genie.
I can grant you one wish.'

I said, 'No shit?'

God Bless Australia

Floods

Character Test

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one.
By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.
The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in
which you will have to make a decision.
Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.
Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.

THE SITUATION:
You are in New Zealand , Auckland to be specific.
There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding.
This is a flood of biblical proportions.
You are a photo-journalist working for a major newspaper, and you're
caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless.
You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and
people swirling around you, some disappearing into the water.
Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.

THE TEST:

Suddenly, you see a woman in the water.
She is fighting for her life, trying not to be taken down with the debris.
You move closer... Somehow, the woman looks familiar...
You suddenly realise who it is... It's Helen Clark! You notice that
the raging waters are about to take her under forever.
You have two options:
You can save the life of Helen Clark or you can shoot a dramatic
Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of the country's most powerful woman!

THE QUESTION:

Here's the question, and please give an honest answer...

Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the
classic simplicity of black and white?

Thanks to Drew for that 1

What's Your Name?

A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and Said
"I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience on
Broadway, he had the right credentials.

The agent asked, "What's your name?"

The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."

The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into
Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name."

"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I
will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name Not ever."

The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years...... You
will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm
telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to
represent you."

"So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and He
left the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his Office.
Inside the envelope is a letter and a cheque for $50,000. The Agent is
awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter
enclosed....

"Dear Sir, five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an
actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to
make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never
make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I Left your
office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right.
I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office,
so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing
my name, so the enclosed cheque is a token of my appreciation.

Thank you for your advice..

Sincerely,

Dick van Dyke

What

People Come Into Your Life for A Reason

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person. When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.


LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant .


Thank you for being a part of my life, whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime.

Moments

Have you ever felt that in one moment, your life can change forever. Sometimes its so hard to get your head around, things happen, you react instictivly, afterwards you finally get to think about what has just happened. You are then quite thankful that you didn''t realise at that moment otherwise you would have been a complete wreck. Well I know how this happens and am quite thankful it does, because many people would be completely useless (for lack of another word) without that skill.

In one moment there could be a loss or a birth close to you, (meaning someone close to you).

You could get a place at a top college or job space, you could break-up or get together with someone. You could find out you are dying from cancer, or you now have a new lease on life after say jail. Get a horrible hair cut, or get life changing surgery, these are the things that keep our life exciting. If it was just the same old day to day routine and yoou never did anything out of the ordinary, life would be so so boring!

How to Stay Young

1. Throw out nonessential numbers.
This includes age, weight and height.
Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay 'them.'

2. Keep only cheerful friends.
The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever.
Never let the brain idle.
'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.'
And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath

.6. The tears happen.
Endure, grieve, and move on.
The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves.
Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love ,
whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever.
Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it.
If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips.
Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county;
to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them , at every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER :Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. Share this with someone.
We all need to live life to its fullest each day!!

George Carlin's Views on Aging

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about ageing that you think in fractions.

'How old are you?' 'I'm four and a half!' You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

'How old are you?' 'I'm gonna be 16!' You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing;! you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; 'I Was JUST 92.'

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. 'I'm 100 and a half!'
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

Little Helen

Once upon a time there was a young girl named Helen who
bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
When the farmer drove up the next day, he said, 'Sorry miss, I have some bad news.
The donkey is on my truck, but I'm afraid he's dead.'
Helen replied,' Well then, just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'I can't do that. I went and spent it already.'
Helen said, 'OK then, just unload the donkey anyway.'
The farmer asked, 'What are ya gonna do with him?'
Helen said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer exclaimed, 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'
But Helen, with a big smile on her face, said
'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody that he's dead.'
A month later the farmer met up with Helen and asked,
'What happened with that dead donkey?'
Helen said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece
and made a profit of $798.00.' Totally amazed, the farmer asked,
'Didn't anyone complain that you had stolen their money because you
lied about the donkey being dead?'
Helen replied, 'The only guy who found out about the donkey being dead was the raffle winner, when he came to claim his prize. So I gave him his $2 back plus $200 extra,
which is double the going value of a donkey, so he thought I was a really great girl.'
Helen grew up and eventually became the Prime Minister of New Zealand,
and no matter how many times she lied or how much money she took from Kiwi voters,
as long as she gave them back some of their money,
most of them thought she was a great person

This is not supposed to be offencive, and I'm sorry if you are offended,
but I thought it was quite funny.

History of the Middle Finger

The History of the Middle Finger Well, now......here's something I never knew before,
and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends
in the hope that they, too, will feel edified. Isn't history more fun when you know something about it? Before the Battle of Agincourt (pronounced "a zhin kuhr") in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossib le to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as 'plucking the yew' (or 'pluck yew'). Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew! Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute! It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as 'giving the bird.' And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing.

Wonders of Men

The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,
he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM ' He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why
his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said,
'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.


WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied , ' in-laws'


WOMEN'S REVENGE
'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.'No,' she replied,
' but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'


UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.

W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'

CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.'
' The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it, because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.'
The husband said, ' You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
that the man should do the coffee.'
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament
and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says ..........'HEBREWS'

God may have created man before woman,
but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

Dad

Happy, Bubbly, Funny and a total chatterbox!
At first sight you rush straight into a soft, warm bear hug.
Strong arms holding you tight, a smile on his weathered face, new stubble on his chin and cheeks.
His voice so cheerful, comforting and familiar.With a kiss on my forehead, you slowly and reluctantly pull away.
Tall, strong and imposing are a few of his features. Though not so imposing that he is unaproachable. Callused hands, scarred limbs and tools everywhere.
He is a Builder, he works with metals, wood,and every other buliding, plumbing, electrical piece of equipment you can think of.
So many scars from working on so many different progects, I guess like father like daughter.
He is the life of the family, he easily makes the most dreary person laugh at the most stupidest of things.

Yes, he is my dad.
Alec, though frustrating, he is my dad and I love him.

Crying

Crying is natural.
It is one of those things you can't help.

But sometimes, when everything seems to be going wrong,
and everything is so hard, and you just want to go curl up in a corner and cry.
But when these things happen and you can't cry, its harder to express yourself.
The other emotion you can turn to is always anger, but then there is a risk of turning it onto the person closest to you and having so many regrets after you have calmed down.

A good way to cry if you can't is to sit in a dark room, with a box of tissues and all the saddest movies you could find. And hope that one of them can set you off, so you can release what was being held in, some things are good to get off your chest.

Like taking a walk down to the beach in stormy weather, and just scream and cry and whatever comes, just flow with it and roll with the punches. But the other times, you just have to hold it in, and grin and bare it. Don't lash out or do anything rash, just keep your cool.
If that doesn't work, then walk away from the person trying to provoke you and calmly count to ten, breathing deeply. Then concentrate on something you enjoy, and be happy. Even if its only for a short while. Relax and Live life to the full.

Why Women Cry

Why Women Cry

A little boy asked his mother, "Why are you crying?"

"Because I'm a woman," she told him.

"I don't understand," he said. His Mom just hugged him and said,

"And you never will." Later the little boy asked his father,

"Why does mother seem to cry for no reason?"

"All women cry for no reason," was all his dad could say.

The little boy grew up and became a man, still wondering why women cry..

Finally he put in a call to God. When God got on the phone, he asked,

"God, why do women cry so easily?"

God said "When I made the woman she had to be special.

I made her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world,

yet gentle enough to give comfort.

I gave her an inner strength to endure childbirth

and the rejection that many times comes from her children.

I gave her a hardness that allows her to keep going when everyone else gives up,

and take care of her family through sickness and fatigue without complaining.

I gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and all circumstances,

even when her child has hurt her very badly.

I gave her strength to carry her husband through his faults

and fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart.

I gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts his wife,

but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve to stand beside him unfalteringly.

And finally, I gave her a tear to shed.

This is hers exclusively to use whenever it is needed."

"You see my son," said God, "the beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears,

the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair.

The beauty of a woman must be seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart -

the place where love resides."

**Perhaps now you will understand why women cry.**

Tickle Me Elmo

Tickle Me Elmo:

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.

The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her

first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.

The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up,

putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself,

so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.

When they get there the line is so backed up that there are

Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.

She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.

After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.

"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face,

"but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

The Gates of Heaven

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven.

While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates.

She saw a beautiful banquet table.

Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved

and who had died before her.

They saw her and began calling greetings to her

"Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him,

"This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?" the woman asked.

"Love."

The woman correctly spelled "Love" And Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman

And asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.

While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.

"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her.

"I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill.

And then I won the multi-state lottery.

I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion.

And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

"Which word?" her husband asked.

" Czechoslovakia ."

Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry...
There will be Hell to pay later!

New Wong

Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a new baby. The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.

'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents. 'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?'The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, 'Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him...

Are you ready for this?

Sum Ting Wong

One to Balance the Books

The very first ever Blonde GUY joke.....
And well worth the wait!

An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.'

The Mexican! opened his lunch box and exclaimed,
'Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.'

The blond opened his lunch and said,
'Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too.'

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!'

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.



The blonde's wife said, 'Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch.'

How Smart is Your Right Foot?

How smart is Your Right Foot?



Just try this. It is from an orthopaedic surgeon............



This will boggle your mind and you will keep trying over and over
again to see if you can outsmart your foot, but you can't. It's
pre-programmed in your brain!



1. While sitting where you are at your desk in front of your
computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise
circles.



2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right Hand.



Your foot will change direction.



I told you so!!! And there's nothing you can do about it! You and I
both know how stupid it is, but before the day is done you are going
to try it again, if you've not already done so.

(I can actually do this! Feel Proud!!)

A Fairy Tale

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
The question?....What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer. But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree o her price first .The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.
He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:
What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding. The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him.
The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half. Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night? Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?
What would YOU do?
What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?





Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
Now....what is the moral to this story?
Scroll down




The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way.... Things are going to get ugly

Some Brain Stuff From Cambridge University

O lny srmat poelpe can ra ed this. I cdnuolt blveiee that I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd what I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in what oredr the ltteers in a word are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is that the first and last ltteer be in the rgh it pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the word as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?! Yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! If you can raed th is psas it on !!

ALZHEIMERS' EYE TEST
Count every ' F ' in the following text:
FINISHED FILES ARE THE RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS...
(SEE BELOW)


HOW MANY ?
WRONG, THERE ARE 6 -- no joke. READ IT AGAIN !

The reasoning behind is further down. The brain cannot process 'OF'.

Incredible or what? Go back and look again!! Anyone who counts all 6 'F's' on the first go is a genius.

Subjects

You know how in year eight we were given an options paper. We were all so excited about all the choices and which ones we were going to choose, our interests and everything else.

Year nine, things were getting a bit more srious about the subjects we were picking, already have found out some are really out of your comfort range and there are some that can bore you to sleep (trust me on that one, I have been very close many times).

But in year ten you have to decide what subjects you are going to do for NCEA, which is actually a very stressful choice, because you need to already know all of this certain stuff from the years before, like if you started in a German class in year nine and decide in year eleven that you are going to take french because you are now bored of German, it doesn't work that way.

But with subjects that are enjoyable like Music, Art and Drama (for me anyway(well mostly)) how are they going to help you going into a career, whether it be medicine, biology or politcs, what was the point, you were just wasting your time.

It is quite aggrivating when a teacher tells you that you are great at something, and you feel all happy and like you really are that great,then later you're like, 'oh', you have to be REALLY good to actually make a career out of anything like that and they aren't as stable a job as going into retail or banking, which you basically can't screw up. Its just difficult.

Bright

Sitting, curled up on a window seat, large blue mink blanket snuggled up underneath her chin.

A girl no older than seven, an expression of amazement and terror cover her delicate features.

Looking out into the dark sky, watching and waiting, for the next show. Barely breathing, scared that if she did fog would block her view. A cloud rumble came from above her head, taking her out of her little trance and making her jump, losing the grip on her teddy and sending it tumbling onto the floor, slowly, barely moving the curtain that hid her from the lounge where her parents had just returned to. She pulled it back onto her lap and held it tight scared that they had seen her, she was supposed to be in bed a while ago and didn't think they would be to happy to find her here.

There a bright flash caught her eye, spinning her head around she saw a huge bolt of lightening, strike the centre of the bay, resting in front of the house. The lightening lit up the entire sky with its brilliance, amazing her, three strikes in quick succession, so glorious it took her breath away. No longer would she tremble in bed during a storm she promised herself, she would get her teddy and blankie and come here and watch this amazing light show.

I can't describe how she felt anymore than I have, there aren't words for it.

If you have ever done or experienced this you will know how it feels, but if not, you are missing out on something wonderful. The way that the light breaks through the darkness with such certainty and strength, its magnificence radiates for miles around. Making goose bumps creep over her skin, she sub-consciously shakes, feeling a smile creep onto her face she looks closer. Thanking the lord that she was here at this moment to experience this wonder.

CRACK!! The lightening strikes a large willow tree in the neighbours front yard, scaring her she pulls her legs in closer and squeezes her teddy tight, scared it might strike closer next time. She has never been more thankful than now that both her house and the house next door had very large front lawns. Thunder growled loudly over head, shaking the house on its foundations.

Knowing that she needed to clam down, she closed her eyes and slowed her breathing, she thought I am in charge of what happens to me and in my life and I say that lightning won't hurt me or my family, so will you kindly go back out into the bay, adding a small thank you as it cracked near the rocks on the other side of the bay.

Breathing a sigh of relief she lay back on a large cushion, she relaxed there for a while, silently falling asleep once the tiredness took over her little body, knowing this will be something that she would never forget.

Many people don't like storms saying they are 'just a nuisance' that 'they scare the children', 'they ruin my hair'. Well sometimes you just need to stop, take a step back and experience things, show others how wondrous nature is and it all its 'miracles of nature', like phosphorous glowing in the waves at night as they crash onto the shores, waterfalls that rainbows form through, fossils, rock formations, and other amazing creations. Just take a deeper look. Try again.

Crazy

The sun was beginning to set over the large concrete hill. Sunlight flooding through windows of cars whizzing by. Not that they noticed them, they were having too much fun just mucking around. Freezing cold Demon in one hand and the other over their foreheads, the girls wandered down the bumpy pathway. A few minutes after they set off they were beginning to feel the effects of their randomness, both hands completely numb, one from lack of circulation and the other because it had been completely chilled through. Switching the hands and with one girl dodging the yellow, 'FH', manholes, and the other trying to get her at every chance, laughing and the weirdest things, making up stories and other things that you can't even understand, but then again that is all the fun of it.

A short stop at one of their houses was all they needed for an extra pick up, plus they also got something that really helped with that job. Once they had figured out how to make them, which took awhile, which you would understand if you knew then, especially together, they were dumber than stiletto's on a farm. Creating the awesome Hannah Montanna 3D glasses, once figured out was relitively simple, Placing them firmly on their noses and pushing the arm of the glasses firmly behind their ears, they proceeded to strut their stuff down the street with their Dutch accents and moking postures they really looked the pair.

Skipping, jumping, laughing their heads off, moking everyone, it was the most fun those girls had had in ages, maybe even a day or so. Untill they really set it off,walking down the road 3D glasses on biggest smiles on their faces, mocking word on their lips, a car was slowly approaching when it was close enough to see the people inside, they lifted their hands up to salute and with their glasses and crazy manner they really looked the part. One of the drivers was so shocked by theor manner she looked about ready to call the people with the butterfly nets to come and take them away, but luckily for them there arn't that many mental assylums around these days.

These girls sound crazy right, but in reality........ they are worse.

These are actually real people.
Meaning they are Myself and my best friend Sarah.

Though some people had probably guessed that already.

Bikes

Yeas, Bikes.

Not just push bikes, but motor bikes.

Well I have recently come to think that they are awesome!!

And that is probably because I have recently been influenced into another way of thinking.

If you know me, then you would expect when anything to do with motor sports came on the tv or anything, that I would be out of there so fast, and I may even say 'Woosh'.

But my new (well not exactly new anymore) boyfriend and his family are really into bikes and motor sports. They own a few motorbikes and a little quad thats Sian's.

I can't wait till next month, you've probably seen the ad's on tv, and we're going to Supercross, with loads of bikes doing tricks and stuff, before I was like, I'll just go with them cause I know they'll apprecaite it if I do, but now I'm thinking it sounds awesome!

And there's going be fireworks and a huge big show and I can't wait!

They are so into it and Sian drives around on her little quad, doing little jumps and trying not to munt up the grass doing doughnuts as we scream at her not to.

I haven't actually seen Troy or Neil on their bikes but I've heard their really good, and they went down to Paeroa for that race together (the one where Ms Wilson's Husband/Boyfriend broke his leg), and that was apparently quite good.

So I can't wait, and if you don't like bikes give them another chance like I did and you may turn out to really like them.

Performance

Well sitting here in my room, listening to songs off you tube.
I'm listening to 'I Kissed A Girl', even though it sounds weird its actually quite good.

So, listening to this, and the fact Miss Jones reminded us today is that Solo Performances are coming up next week. I thought I was prepared and I was comfortable with what I was doing until.... I had to perform at the unplugged concert last week (if you want to know more about it Josh wrote some stuff about it).

Well I forgot my music not knowing I would need it, got told afterward that I was singing too quietly, seeing as I have a high voice and I'm not that loud someone could have just pointed me towards a microphone, and that I absolutely sucked, it sounded horrible, I was just hoping that the crowd wouldn't throw anything at me, it was just that bad,(and don't trust Josh he's just a suck up) and yeah, well I was pressured into it by my singing teacher saying stuff like, "You're voice is my favourite, I love it when you come so we can sing together", and "I know you're ready, your voice is beautiful and no body sings this song better than you".

So it turned out bad, to say the least, and now, I have to sing in front of my music class, which is BAD! Seeing as 24 out of I think 28 or 30 are guys, I think I know how its gonna turn out somehow. Like today we were practising and Sam was doing everything he could to make me muck up, whatever it was laughing, forgetting what I was saying, or just giving him the evils, he's lovely, not! And Jimmy isn't much better. And that was just saying my name and what I was going to perform, imagine when I actually have to sing. If you haven't met anyone in my music class then you won't understand my dread, also the fact that everyone in my class has already excelled at their chosen instrument really doesn't help.

So I'm singing Capri by Colbie Collait and Its a beautiful song and I haven't picked the other maybe classical or evanescence. So I'll get over It or i'll screw up. I know this. Well I pick te first choice.

What my group thought our class would be...

Scott- Golf Coach/Golf Club Owner
Taylor-IT Engineer
Vinay-Architect
Cassie-Doctor
Gabrielle-Cyclist
Erica-Sports Trainer/Coach
Drew-Zoo Keeper/ Chef
Alisha-Pediatrition
Josh-Music Teacher/Performer (In Band)
Luke-Childrens Show/Tv Presenter
Seamus-Professional Soccer Player
Rory-Rugby Coach
Courtney M-Humanatarian
Bree-Fahion Designer/Coloumnist
Tash-Model
Emelia-Real Estate Agent
Steph-Writer of Childrens Books
Cerise-Dancer
Lauren-Music Reviewer
Grace-Beauty Parlor Owner
Courtney R-Owns Beauty Parlor
Isaac-Pro Skater- With own brand
Brennyn-Anthropologist
Frankie-Criminal/ Thief (with a beard)
Bobbie-Author/Illustrator
Chels-Psycologist
Zane-Member of 'The New Rabble'
Steen-Metal Worker
Hilary-Netball Player

Seriously... In 10 years time

Ok, so I have already realised how weird my last blog was and I am here to be serious so here I go. GRAB IT BY THEE TUSK!!!!No sorry. Serious now.


I have already made plans with two of my best friends that we are going to do in later life.

Firstly....
Nancy and I are planning on traveling over to England and if we get in,
Going to The Royal Arts Academy or something like that.
We are going to stay there and study, She will be doing Piano and Theory,
While I will probably be, either singing and trying to make a name for myself that doesn't include the word bad. While Nancy will already be world famous and they would be lucky to have her at their school. She's going to drag me along, probably because I'm her best friend or that she is senile and actually thinks I have talent. Either that or I will go to a near by University so we can still be close, cause I'm no tone to break a promise.

Secondly....
Weezie and I are going together to do a big OE, well travel all the places that sound good anyway.
She wants to be a journalist, so while we are there she will probably be writing, while I am quite good at photography (No I'm not being full of myself), so she wants me to be her photographer and we already are a great team, so working together will be great.
The main countries we want to go to are, for me hot and pretty countries like Greece and the Mediterranean, while Weezie likes the same places but we would probably go and visit her close family over in England and South Africa too.

If you know me, you know that I probably couldn't make a decision to save my life.
I am probably the most indecisive person that you will ever meet. So deciding a career path that I want to do for the rest of my life is really starting to do mt head in, I have already changed my mind so many times. From a Doctor to a Lawyer to an Interior Designer. A photographer, a Psychiatrist, there are so many different choices and they are so hard. It doesn't help that I have no talents, so people should stop asking cause its annoying!

And why so many people think I should be a Nurse I really don't know, Seamus thinks I have the right hair or something random. Also seriously a Kindergarten Teacher, the thing is I'd probably get along with them really well cause we have the same mental age, but still.

What do you guys reckon I should be?

(And Courtney, it is creepy that you can imagine me in a nurses outfit)

Where do I see myself in 10 years

Sitting in a comfortable leather armchair, I lean back and analyse what I have just been told.
Helping people with their problems and helping them to be solved is what I do best.
When I was young all of my friends would always come to me for advice or just to talk if something was bothering them. I guess you could say I'm a good friend, if you don't pay attention to my weird personality. But all of this is hidden as I relax in this large leather chair, Pad on my lap, pen in my hand, moving quickly across the page, scribbling down notes, trying to analyse what he has just said.

As you probably guessed I am a Psychologist or if you can't understand that, in simple terms I am a shrink. Sitting here, for the second time in my early career, I am still in university , studying for my degree. Now is a practical to use what I have learnt so far. This is the second time Mr Johnston has come to see me, with my sweet reassuring smile and approachable manor, he tells me all his inner secrets, so I can help him get through his many issues. I didn't pick this career path just for the money, though that's not a bad thing, getting the huge house, cool car. I look around the room, the colours, make me remember the great times Weezie and I had on our trip around the world, and how I had gone with Nancy to England to study and go to a prestigious school. Looking through the window I remembered all the things that I had done before now and thought about where I wanted to go. Oh well, I'm here now, I'm going to make the most of it.

He knew it was coming, these things come with the job, the territory. I reach to the small wooden side table on my right and picked up seven pieces of seemingly blank pieces of paper. I now said " Mr. Johnston, Its time to analyse the ink blots! Whoo!" I knew this was his favourite part of our sessions."You know what to do, Jack" I said as I flipped over the first piece of paper "Its a monkey riding a unicycle" he said with a smile, as though it was the most obvious thing in the world. I then flipped the second, "He looked a bit shocked then said "Its a.... Its a gun, lying in a pool of blood" he stuttered. I flipped a third, "A monkey holding a banana" He said a smile spreading across his face. This guy really likes monkey's, I thought as I scribbled these comments down on my pad, to analyse later. The fourth card, his look saddened, "Its Sassy, my old dog", the fifth and sixth were also monkey's, though this time, one had a sling shot and one in some sort of tree. The seventh, even shocked me, "Its me, with stuff on my hands and, what is that, a knife on the floor, so that stuff must be blood" he said then burst into tears. I spent the rest of the hour comforting him and trying to calm him down. He went through four boxes of tissues. At the end of the session as I said good-bye, I thought, I have never seen a man open up and cry before. Wait, I have never seen a man do either. I thought of the monkey's and the blood. Not to be mean, but you can really tell why he needs to be coming to a person like me.

Though I may take another path, you never know

World here we come! (Mum stay over there!)

Relaxing back on the small blanket, the wind wisked past her, brushing some of her long flowing hair onto the perfect face. Her china-doll looks help her with the innocent act she is trying to pull, here with her mother's upper-class friends is the last place she would like to be. The first place would be with her friends coreographing a dance for the upcoming talent show she had been dared to enter. With Millie picking the music and Jennie and Sallie starting the steps, she finally admitted to herself she wasn't really needed at the moment. Her job was to look at the final product and critiqe it, and give helpful suggestions to make it perfect.

With my mother having such a high place in our so-called society, made things harder for me to do as I please, everything I do has to be approved by her. Ballet, Ballet, Ballet. It is the only thing I do that seems to be good enough for her, no jazz dancing, no lyrical, Ballet only.
Dad always seems to be working and doesn't mind whatever I do or wear, as long as I'm happy, I wish mum was like that but NOOOO.
No short skirts, not a hair out of place. No tops that show anything. Leotards are too fitting for her taste and when practising at home I always have to put another top over when she comes in to check on me. Controlled is my lifestlye, that is until next semester.

I am going to board at an arts school in California. I get to do what I want, wear what I want.
I am over the moon! Millie, Sallie and Jennie are coming too, I can't wait all of us, single sixteen year old girls, the world is our oyster, or whatever it was. Get ready world, here we come.
You never know what could happen

Letter

A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made,
and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominately on the
pillow. I was addressed 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope
and read the letter, with trembling hands.
'Dear Dad.
It is with great regret and sorrow that I am writing to you.
I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with mum and you.
I've been finding s real passion with Stacey, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But its not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant.
Stacey said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacey has really opened my eyes to the fact marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacey can get better. She sure deserves it! Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son, Joshua.
P.S. Dad none of the above is true.

I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted you to know that there are
worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table.
Call when it's safe to come home.

Kayaking

The water splashing up my arms, dripping down my face, as I push further and further forward.
The sun reflecting off the rippling water and into my face, making me squint even though I was
covered by a tight cap and big sun glasses.
Push yourself, go faster, you can do it. I say over and over in my mind,
my arms going side to side so fast they seem to be doing it without any concious decision.
I can't stop now I'm so close. My Ipod blasting in my ears, the cord safely down my T-shirt to stay dry. Only a few hundred meters now, keep up the pace, I can do this.
The beach behind me, almost unrecognisable, coverered by a deep fog,
The heat was starting to get to me, the pace was exausting my arms, my stomach wasn't used to this sort of strain. Then I was there.I looked at my Ipod timer, YEESS!!! I had done it I had beaten my record. From the beach to the farthest boey.
By now the sun had risen further and it was going to be a hot day.
I took off my life jacket to remove my soaking wet T-Shirt and thought my togs would be a lot cooler, I wiped my face of the salt water and re-applied my sun block. Phew.
Slowly paddling around to the next bay, the surf had started to pick up over near the beach.
I could see the cemetary on top of one of the huge surrounding hills, a ant sized person peering over the side, Brian I thought. Our family, they were all there, watching over us and the amazing view. If I told you about it you woul't believe me, you have to see it to believe it. It really is worth it and the best thing is, No body knows, where it is, of if its there. Its my family beach.
Looking round at the rocks, I could see some little kids playing in the rock pools, until they were suddenly scared away by what I found out to be a very large crab and its friends.
Though I looked again to see it hadn't exactly frightened them away, but they had run back to the beach to get a bucket which they proceeded to grab the huge crabs and put them into it.
Though, many small childern wouldn't do that, you don't know my cousins.

The Best Time You've Had with a Reliever

It was a Monday.
The weather was stormy, thunder and lightening cracking through the heavens,
lighting up the sky with all its glory. Rain pounded against the cold glass windows,
everyone was either miserable or staring out the window to watch the show,
(unless you are Seamus and are now cowering under the desk after the first roar).

The reliever we had wasn't helping our combined moods, seeing as we had all merged into the two emotions, Boredom, from what we were supposed to be doing and, Frustration and Anger,
towards the horrid reliever, every so often she would scream out things like "Quiet" and
"Write more this is Pathetic!!". Every so often she would slowly, quietly, sneakily lean over your shoulder to check your work. You could tell when she was not happy, because you would be deaf in one ear for a full five minutes after.

That's when Isaac spotted it, "Wow, what are those things on the back of her neck, you know the one half hidden by her shirt collar" he whispered to Luke and Drew on either side of him. The news spread like wild fire through the classroom, whispered though powerful. Everyone when they could, were sneaking peaks and trying to find out what they were. Josh, one of the tallest in our class finally saw what they were, "There's tattoo's on different places, I think they're pressure points" he whispered.

That is when the reliever asked Bree if she could do up her necklace, which she had been failing to do up for the last ten minutes, as I looked around I realised why she had asked Bree, because everyone had a crazy glint in their eyes and their faces were of anticipation and wanting. As Bree did up her necklace she accidentally hit one of the points with a circular symbol above it,this made her very, very mad. When it was changed the woman screamed out in anger to everyone see could see, trying to leave them with the blame of something horrible they hadn't done. Bree, still standing behind her pushed another purposely this time with star.

As Bree went back to her seat, the teacher started smiling such an innocent smile and announced that we should now call her Rainbow Star. She grabbed something from her bag ducked under the desk and a few moments later popped back up again, when she did she was wearing long, flowing , bright coloured clothes, with a flower print hairband and her long hair flowing down her back. "Let's have some fun!" she yelled, she flipped a switch by her desk which made the lights dim down, a disco ball fall down and bright lights in the corners come out. She pulled a huge stereo out of a very small cupboard and started blasting some techno music.

Once we had had a good look around at the transformation, we saw the teacher in the middle of the cleared dancing space, doing the swim, the robot etc. Many people joined in, giant smiles on their faces. We danced so hard, that by the end of the period we were all exhausted and happy.
She flipped the switch and the lights disappeared and went and put the stereo back in the cupboard, and some people saw her push another pressure point as we all filed out.
The next class filed in, we heard from down the hall, loud voice saying "Is that a pink T-Shirt underneath your uniform!?!?!" It's good to be back. As long as it's not you.

Some Teasers

I thought I might just write some teasers because I couldn't be bothered going into to much and I didn't have time, so here they are:

Through the darkness, a deserted road appeared, a young man staggering down it,
the man had short cropped brown hair, and muscular arms and body.
The man was holding his arm and had blood oozing between his fingers and
out of quite a large gash in his leg.
The man's stagger was growing faster, his glances back making him increase his pace.
Like something or someone.
Was after him....


A cool autumn breeze lightly touched her face as she flipped the page of the
book she was reading. This girl was in her mid-teens, long silky blonde hair and the figure of a ballerina. Everyone thought that she was wasting her talent and her life for doing this.
This meaning, finding herself a book, rather than picking her recital music, wandering to her favourite tree in the park, rather than practicing. The tree was a large oak, it was the one over from the oldest oak in the area, it was huge and had a swing on one of its branches.
Sitting under the tree reading the good book until she was finished, she would this for days and days, over and over, until one day a man in a long, dark trench coat walked up to her and smiled, the smile went all the way up to his creul eyes, hidden under his hat....

Sunday with Friends

Jumping off the small grass embankment, knowing there was no way
to back out now, we all had to do it, it was too hot not too.
Walking across the golden sand, with Neil and Tess by my side.
Tess was Neil's dog, she was a black lab mix and in my opinion one of the cutest dogs ever.
Me chatting with Neil, and with Drew and Hilary wandering along behind.
We decided it was now, we were going to do it, Neil chucked a stick into the water
and Hilary and I raced in to try and beat Tess, me chickening out before it got
too far past my knees.
The Drew jumped in splashing everyone, as Neil waded towards us I decided
I would do it after him, he dived then I did, that's it, we did it.
Our clothes were soaked.
I knew it wasn't the best idea and had hoped against it happening, but it is nature....
I stayed swimming around for a while then Hilary came to join me, we were swimming
around to try and get rid of the numbness, we talked about the big thing that had just
happened and what she was going to do.
Then we got out, because the swimming hadn't done anything to keep us warm,
the guys were flirting hard out it was so funny.
That's when they noticed...
..My shorts were see-through.
.. I had worn white shorts..

Nancy

She's kind, she's sweet, she's funny and always seems to be thinking of someone else and how she can help them, so I'm there to help her. We tell each other everything that happens in our lives, even if we know the other might not react the way we wanted to our news.

Everyone is always going on about her height but its the thing I notice least when I'm around her. She loves writing songs and she's really good at it, she is a great pianist and passed grade 8 last year (which is quite a big deal). On brennyns birthday, because she couldn't see her on the day as she

Bobbie Nancy Robin Avon

goes to another school now, That I would bring them to her the next day.

With Bob, there was a plastic flower we thought looked nice for a belated present and it didn't exactly smell so hot, so we got like three different sprays for the inside, it smelt better but you would kind of shocke if you breathed it in, and we successfully intoxicated the library.

She is the one when she gets a dead line she sticks to it, even if others are mucking around she will be the one powering through with the work like its all so easy.

She's one of my closest friends, we have loads in common like Music, Song-Writing, and Galoop went the frog :-P

Nancy is absolutely great,

You can't find a flaw,

She is a great Best Friend

Future School

As the fog lifted....

I saw a huge towering dome, that made even the largest building look small.
The huge thing, made of metal and glass, so opposing, so frightening.
If or when you got up the courage to go inside the door was almost impossible to find.
Once I found the door, you needed certain identification to get through and into the institute within, this was an easier way for staff to find out which people were in class and who wasn't,
I thought as I picked up a brochure.

How did I get here I wondered, The last thing I remember before being here was, I was in the girls bathrooms at school with my friends. The next thing I knew the rest of the girls were banging on the door, it seemed that we had been locked in. We left Haley at the door to call for anyone that could help us, while the rest of us looked around for a way out of here, as all the bathrooms seem to smell really bad and have spitballs on the ceilings.
Some girls were trying to open the windows, that seemed jammed shut, I didn't have any job so i was running my hand along the walls to see if I would get inspired, but instead I fell through one of them and thats how I got here. Wherever here is.

I walked into this huge expanse of space, huge buildings towering over everyone
The thing that struck me was how everything looked cold, sterile, like even a dirty thought would detain you.
Teenagers whizzing by on some sort of hovering contraption, a silver disk they stood on,
with handlebars hovering in the cleched hand of the rider.
Everything was shiny metal, in the brochure it says that this dome
is not just here for looks but it is an all weather environment,
to help with less outside distractions to keep the pupils focus solely on their work.

I couldn't help but feel nervous at how apposing everything was.
As I turned to continue exploring, I saw a group of older boys,
hiding under the stairs to a building smoking, thinking they were hidden.
All of a sudden a hologram came seemingly out of thin air and surrounded the boys like a tornado.
Looks of shock and fright covered the boys faces as they knew they had been caught red handed.
As quickly as it had been there it was gone, the bouys were all looking very relieved, and thats when the ground fell from beneath them showing a hole that was so dark it seemed never-ending.

Passing the classrooms, the pupils seemed engrosed with what the teacher was telling them, some even leaning or shuffling closer, afraid to miss even one word.
As I looked again, I saw something quite strange, there was something wrong about the image I was seeing. The teacher, she seemed to be rippling with the slight breeze coming through the window, it had to be it, I had the best vision out of everyone I know.
Yes, I said in my head as I checked again, that has to be it, she's a holo-gram.
No one seemed to notice I was there until a strict looking teacher saw me and started walking straight for me. Hair done up in a severe bun on the back of her head, perfect, not a hair out of place, a black high waisted skirt and a white blouse, with high black stiletto heels, clicking along as she walks.

I was so scared I froze. Stiff as a bored, too scared to move.
Then my brain kicked in, I ran for the closest toilets I had hust walked past.
Sprinting in my school shoes was a challenge in itself, I saw her gesture to something, then all of a sudden whirring filled the air, I ran faster knowing this wasn't going to end well.
I finally reached it and slammed the door on my persuers, breathing hard, I sat down on one side of the room on a bench attached to the wall wondering what I should do now.
I walked around the room dragging my fingers along the walls to try and calm my mind, what was not helping the calming was the constant and loud banging and thudding on the door.
I continued to walk round.
I tripped on something I hadn't seen, and fell, I put my hand up to catch the wall,
But instead of holding myself up I fell straight through, leaving the splintering sound of wood as they had finally broken there way into the bathroom.
Peace.
Calm.
Quiet.

Bull...And I Can Run On Water

I went to Spain with a small group of mates; we were here to run with the bulls. We went out for a night on the town, looking for some good female company, we got totally wasted but had so much fun.

The next morning I woke up and felt like a 10 ton anvil had dropped on my head, I looked at the clock,
Shit-take mushrooms, it was 12 already, not that it wasn’t surprising seeing as we only got back around 4 or 5. I slowly woke up all the guys, who were all spread out on the floor, having not made it to bed in time. I went over to Matt and kicked him in the ribs, after a gentle shaking not having woken him up, I then preceded to do this to the rest of the guys who were in various states of disarray. Though Pete I found in the bathroom clinging to the toilet.

I yelled and yelled until all of them were up, because all of them were up, because the running with the bulls is on at 1. After putting on our very dark shades and a hat we were ready, well as ready as you can be after a night like that.

We gathered with all the other daring guys from all over the world. The minute I saw the bull, fuming and scraping its front hoof on the hard ground, I instantly regretted last night. As they let the bull out of the pen all the men scrambled and sprinted down the road, as I looked back, the angry bull I saw had found some friends, who were also chasing us.

We soon got tired , me and my mates so we were the last, the bulls picked us off, each taking a person, as I ran I saw the wharf, the bull was so close behind, I could feel its warm breath on my neck, I jumped.
It was like I was running on water, I was safe I thought, bulls can’t swim, well that’s what I was thinking when it jumped in after me.

My Best Friend....

She is the randomest, craziest, most INSANE, Person I know!!!
We make up stupid little things we always say, our latest one is
"Grab it by the Horn!!" She is always so bubbly and energetic,
she is always ready for anything. If you can't picture her yet,
think the exact opposite of me! We have nothing but our humor in common.
She is a great singer and we always battle for the highest scores on singstar,
(Though I usually end up winning(I think its broken).
She has sympathy for no one but me, and that is only occasionally,
Like me she gets confused quite easily.
The last text I got from her, she was plucking the carpet or something crazy like that,
she was sticking a long piece of seletape onto the carpet, I think she thought she was
cleaning it. She is absolutely OBSESSED with Cherries!!
She has the shortest attention span, known to man and says the weirdest things out of the blue.
But that is just Sarah.

"Grab it by the tusk"

"How come you always get the village idiot who has to act out his directions"
"Go round the round-a-bout"

"Brian, my dog, drags his ass along the carpet, not anymore, we put wood flooring down,
3rd degree burns he has on his ass, Baboon Boy we call him"

"Get thy wads out for seuth"

"How can-eth you burn-eth the butter-eth-eth"

Most of the quotes were from the Lee Evan 2005 XL Tour

It our special movie thing we always watch together.
It never gets old and we know most of the words off by heart!!

Describing my dad Alec

He is very Talkative, once he starts talking it seems like he can't stop,
He talks and has an opinion on every subject you can think of.
He's so funny, when we have family gatherings, he's always the life of the party.
Everything would be so dull without him around, I will make sure he won't,
But apparently he's going to break dance at my 16th, not my 21st cause
if he does it then he'll probably break something.
He's always so fun and up for anything, he's a builder and has his own crew.
Even though he gets on my nerves sometimes, if you want to have fun though,
He's always there to have fun with.
He usually feels guilty that we don't see each other often,
So when I go up and see him he totally spoils me.
He's a great dad.

New Tricks Competition

I am soaring through the air, like a bird,
Yet very restricted, holding onto the handle bars
like I would never let go. I can't hold on
any longer my grip on the bike slips,
I am falling fast towards the solid road that awaits me.
But now I fill in the blanks , my mates and I were heading down
to a little competition to show off our new tricks.
When we got there, there was more people than usual, which we
thought nothing of because the love of throwing tricks was
spreading and going strong. First there were some old guys, flying
off the ramp, doing flips, 360 degree turns, and , so many new
ones. My friends and some other guys I had seen, were cheering
me on and kept pushing me to go up there and show off some
of my new tricks when I finally caved, everyone cheered
and yelled all excited for me and happy that the anticipation
was over. I wheeled my bike to the runway before the ramp,
looking down steep hill, I imagined the trick I was going to pull in my head,
It was a new one, secret, I started pedalling hard to get enough momentum
to pull it off, then I was in the air, now, here I am, Falling.
All the guys watch my progress in horror, for they know
this cannot end well, slowly falling, picking up speed,
now plummeting towards the ground, Its coming up to meet me,
I know I have to roll with the impact or I will break all
the bones in my body.
Here it comes, smack, the crunching impact hits me like a rock,
or thousands of them, people surround me, Pain,
Then only blackness

Movies

Well my friend Weezie and I went to see St. Trinains today

I think it was awesome!!!

It was so funny and definitely my type of movie.

I definitely recommend it

We went to see it because
Her grandma had the original series in black and white
That we recently watched and we really wanted to see it remade
I still think that the series though in black and white is still the tiniest bit better
But still a great movie

I won't spoil it for you so you'll just have to go see it yourself

Word Thingy Mejiggy

Well, Ms Wilson wanted us to do this thing with these
Sub & Trans words so here we go...

And when I find it I will get back to you..

Oh wait, I found it..

So back to the words...

Subdivide
Subject
Submerge
Submission
Submissive
Subordinate
Subsequent
Substitute
Subversive
Subway

Transaction
Transfigure
Transfuse
Transgress
Transient
Transitory
Translate
Transmigrate
Transmit
Transparent
Transpose
Transverse

I know I was supposed to do something with them but,
Well I just did..
And its not my fault I get easily confused, or forget stuff easily..
Its not my fault I'm a blonde...

I just came this way... So leave it alone!?!?!.....

Randomly Creepy-Like

OK so this is ver ver random... But funny ass..!!!

Are you guys laughing now cause I am...

....

(Can you see the mice on the cats back?)




How about now....















No?















Now?




Well I'll just leave you with this then..

Don't forget to check, it hasn't fallen in

Randemo

On Monday through Friday...And sometimes on weekends. No Guarantees.

Not valid in all states. May cause itching, burning and amputation.

Always use proper ventilation. For external use only.

Magma. Gamma. Ram-A-Lang-A-Ding-Dong.

Book Review

Ok I know I'm late with doing this

But better late than never right?

So the book I'm reviewing is called

Angus, Thongs and Full Fronatal Snogging

By Lousie Rennison

I know how weird the title sounds but this book is really really good..

My friend Sarah first introduced me to them,

And from that moment on they have brough colour into my life

(Sorry about that last bit, Sounded a bit cheesy)

Yeah it is the first book in the Georgia Nicolson Series

With 8 other books out, with titles,

'It's Ok, I'm wearing Really big Knickers!'

'Knocked out by my Nunga-Nunga's'

'Dancing in my Nuddy-Pants!'

'..And thats when it fell off in my hand'

'..And then he ate my boy entrancers'

'...Startled by his furry shorts!'

'Luurve is a many trousered thing..'

These are great books,

They are the type of book that once you start reading them

You can't put it down,

And once you have finiushed it,

Then you have to go out and get the next on

To see what crazy adventures they get up to next.

These are deffinitly girl books,

I can say that for certain,

But some guys will stil find some of the material funny..

I highly reccomend you go and get these books

Or even just get them out the library.

The last time I got them out,

I read all eight books in a week,

Because I kept wanting to know more.

This and These are the type of books

That you read over and over again,

And it doesn't stop being funny.

Angus, Thongs and Full Frontal Snogging,

Is a great book for teenaged girls,

It is an english book (Not the language but the place,

Seriously, Why would I want to read a book in a different language)

And in the back is a little glossary for if you didn't understand their slang

or wording.

(The first time I read it I had to refer to it many times)

So go and get it, You won't regret it