Your Laugh For The Day

Sorry if this causes any offence, it is a little...dirty.

CHINESE PROVERBS
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Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
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Man who run in front of car get tyred.
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Man who run behind car get exhausted.
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Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
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Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
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Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
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Man with one chopstick go hungry.
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Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
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Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
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Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
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Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.
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War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
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Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
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Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
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It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
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Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
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Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
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Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
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Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
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Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
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Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
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Captain Aussie

Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower
after their bomb making class in Melbourne, when one notices
the other has a huge cork stuck in his arse.
If you do not mind me saying,' stated the second, 'that cork
looks very uncomfortable. Why don't you take it out?'

I regret I cannot', lamented the first Arab. 'It is permanently
stuck in my arse.

'I do not understand,' said the other.

The first Arab says, 'I was walking along Russell Street and I
tripped over an oil lamp.
There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an
Australian Flag attire with a white beard and Akubra hat
came boiling out. He said, 'I am Captain Aussie, the Genie.
I can grant you one wish.'

I said, 'No shit?'

God Bless Australia

Floods

Character Test

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one.
By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.
The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in
which you will have to make a decision.
Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.
Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.

THE SITUATION:
You are in New Zealand , Auckland to be specific.
There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding.
This is a flood of biblical proportions.
You are a photo-journalist working for a major newspaper, and you're
caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless.
You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and
people swirling around you, some disappearing into the water.
Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.

THE TEST:

Suddenly, you see a woman in the water.
She is fighting for her life, trying not to be taken down with the debris.
You move closer... Somehow, the woman looks familiar...
You suddenly realise who it is... It's Helen Clark! You notice that
the raging waters are about to take her under forever.
You have two options:
You can save the life of Helen Clark or you can shoot a dramatic
Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of the country's most powerful woman!

THE QUESTION:

Here's the question, and please give an honest answer...

Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the
classic simplicity of black and white?

Thanks to Drew for that 1

What's Your Name?

A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and Said
"I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience on
Broadway, he had the right credentials.

The agent asked, "What's your name?"

The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."

The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into
Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name."

"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I
will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name Not ever."

The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years...... You
will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm
telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to
represent you."

"So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and He
left the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his Office.
Inside the envelope is a letter and a cheque for $50,000. The Agent is
awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter
enclosed....

"Dear Sir, five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an
actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to
make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never
make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I Left your
office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right.
I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office,
so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing
my name, so the enclosed cheque is a token of my appreciation.

Thank you for your advice..

Sincerely,

Dick van Dyke

What

People Come Into Your Life for A Reason

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person. When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.


LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant .


Thank you for being a part of my life, whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime.

Moments

Have you ever felt that in one moment, your life can change forever. Sometimes its so hard to get your head around, things happen, you react instictivly, afterwards you finally get to think about what has just happened. You are then quite thankful that you didn''t realise at that moment otherwise you would have been a complete wreck. Well I know how this happens and am quite thankful it does, because many people would be completely useless (for lack of another word) without that skill.

In one moment there could be a loss or a birth close to you, (meaning someone close to you).

You could get a place at a top college or job space, you could break-up or get together with someone. You could find out you are dying from cancer, or you now have a new lease on life after say jail. Get a horrible hair cut, or get life changing surgery, these are the things that keep our life exciting. If it was just the same old day to day routine and yoou never did anything out of the ordinary, life would be so so boring!